i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
