Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
