you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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