I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
