My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
