I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
