Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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