so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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