I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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