Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
