1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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