Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
