thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
