im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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