I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
