Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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