his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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