A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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