I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
