I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
