I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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