i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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