I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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