my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
