i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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