Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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