i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
