Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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