I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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