Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
