At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
