dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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