Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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