Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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