Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
