the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
