and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
