The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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