aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
