you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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