Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
