It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
