btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
