If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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