Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
