Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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