is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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