How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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