You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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