I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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